Monday, April 28, 2014

The Inner Struggle


I was reading out of the book Spiritual Discipleship by J. Oswald Sanders, and as I was reading I was suddenly convicted.  The chapter I was reading was about the healthy ambition that Christian disciples need to have.  I was convicted, not because I didn't have ambition, but because I realized that my ambition was what I wanted to do.  That is not to say that it isn't God's will for me, but simply that my ambition had its foundation in that the area of missions was one near and dear to my heart.

Simultaneously, I was hit by a solid brick wall of shear hopelessness of my ambition.  It got me to thinking about it.  How in the world am I, Gabriel Hilleson, supposed to do make a difference in a world so far gone?  We say that "You don't make a difference, God makes a difference."  But in all honesty this doesn't help, and while it is a nice saying to help remind us of our own insufficiency, it only serves to confuse me when I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in the first place.

In case your lost, what I had been hit with was a double whammy.  Conviction that I didn't have the right reasons behind my drive for ministry, and despair that I would ever be an effective tool for God to use in a major way.

My calling into ministry is clear enough.  I see around me a world that desperately needs the transforming power of the Gospel.  In the city and in the country.  All around the world, and in the United State of America.  In Chicago and in my own home region of Lee county.  I look around and I see people who want fulfillment for their lives.  And so they turn to love, alcohol, family, sex, a career, entertainment, and the betterment of society.  And though some of these things are honorable, they quickly become twisted when they are made into an idol.  I see this search for life's meaning, and I want to reach out to them with the transforming power of the Gospel, to show them the glorious and indescribably love and hope that I have found in my Savior Jesus.  More specifically I want to make a difference, a real difference, in rural Illinois.  I want to bring revival to the country side.  And yet, the one letter that keeps popping up over and over again "I", shows a problem.  Problem #1:  In using the word "I", selfish ambition threatens to creep in and take over.  Problem #2:  "I" CAN NOT DO IT!  When I look at the great reformers and what they were like, I realize that I am completely and woefully inadequate.

Don't get me wrong, I am completely aware that any effective ministry is through the power of the Holy Spirit.  That God works changes in people.  However when the rubber meets the road, it is usually through the ministry of his servants that he works these changes.  It is the power of God that is mighty to work changes in the hearts of men, but I am a broken clay pot that can't hold water.  I am inadequate to be the servant that works the changes.  I don't want to be the Pastor of a mega-church or the author of a best selling book.  I just want to be an agent of revival for the people of rural America.  But just as that broken pot can't hold water, I am a broken Christian that can't even maintain a daily time of prayer and Bible study let alone be filled with the love and power of God.

By this time I can hear all the encouraging words that I have heard some many times before.  God is changing you.  You need to be in God's word and in prayer more often.  God is in control.  Change is hard.  The fact that you are saying these things is a good sign.

But at this point, these are all well and good, but it doesn't help. They have become cliche and annoying.

The Voice of Truth:  Gabriel?  Are you listening?
Me: Yes I'm listening.
You say that you are broken, that you can't be a vessel of the living water for others.  We'll come back to that later, but for the moment, why is it that you feel that way?
Because, I feel like a failure as a Christian.  I'm supposed to be mature in my faith and yet there are days that I struggle to have a fifteen minute prayer!  And that's on the days that I actually manage to fit a time of prayer and Bible study in.  I hear about people like John Wesley who would pray for hours every day.  How on earth am I supposed to do that?  I want to be an agent of revival.  I really do.  But I just don't know how.
I know whats wrong, and I know what needs to happen. But Gabriel......will you obey me with your whole heart?
Uh oh.....when you say that it usually means that I'm not going to like what you say next.   But, yes Lord I will obey you.
You say that you are having trouble finding the time to pray and study the Bible. But you seem to have plenty of time to play that League of Legends game with your friends, and you even find time to watch Netflix occasionally.
(sighs)  .......yes Lord.
Do I really need to tell you what needs to happen?  You cannot serve two masters.  Cut off and cast aside anything that is causing a problem between you and me.
But I can be responsible about playing that game, besides I have put so much effort into that game to stop playing it now.
You have said that you could and would be responsible about playing video games many times before, but you have been unable to.  Who do you love more?  Cause right now, it sounds like you love that video game more than me.
Your right, forgive me Lord, I'll remove it from my computer.  Though this is not an issue of lust, Matthew 5:27-30 certainly applies here..............there it is done, I have removed the game from my computer.
Good, now, you might just find that this act of obedience will go a long way to solving your problem.  About these other doubts that you have, don't you see that you are limiting my power?  Stop and think for a minute.  You say that you are a broken clay pot unable to hold my living water for others, but don't you see that I am the great Potter and you are not finished.  You are right in saying that my power is what changes the heart of man, but you are forgetting that you yourself are one such man.  I'm still working in you.  All your life you have been told to buckle down and get stuff done that you thought you were unable to do.
What about the questions I have about my Major and where you want me to go for ministry?
You are just going to have to trust me on these things, just move forward in obedience and I'll take care of the rest.  For the moment, do you love me?
You know I do Lord!
Are you willing to give up everything to follow my will?  Are you willing to give up your home, and your family?  If I ask you to? Are you willing to give up your dreams of rural ministry if I ask you to?  Are you willing to move far away from all that you know and love if I ask you to?
I want to say that I am, but this is hard.   I will go, Lord send me. Lord please strengthen me in my weakness.
What you want isn't a bad thing.  But you are in danger of making that specific ministry a god in and of itself.  Whether or not I send you to rural ministry will be made known to you in due time, but for now, it is enough for you to have a obedient spirit.  Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.
Yes Lord, thank you for speaking to me, thank you for the still small voice.  Amen.